One of my Facebook friends recently shared this
post: Why I'm Not Going on a Mission(<this blog post is right
on). I'm sharing now because I'd like to tell you
why I chose not to go on a mission, and the Divine Signatures I received during my decision
process.
Before the mission age change announcement in
2012, I never thought I would go on a mission. I remember hearing the
announcement, getting a text from my sister saying she was going, and wondering
if this would change my future as well. I knew I would have to pray about it
and see if this was right for me. Before, I had just started feeling like
everything was fitting in place: I had just received my confirmation that it
was right to start college summer semester and was beginning to feel at peace. Then
when they announcement came, it felt like everything shattered and I had to
figure it out all over again-and it made me a little mad, to be honest.
I moved ahead with my plans, but constantly
prayed about the decision. Meanwhile, it was hard to get on FB: every post was
a girl saying they were going, or a boy saying this would change the standard
and boys would only want to marry RMs, too. Adults only asked about future
plans: college? mission? Every time I hesitated to answer, and every time I
felt like everyone expected me to go. Even though people said it wasn't my duty
to go, it sure didn't feel like they meant it. I stuck to what the Prophet and
my parents said: they were the ones I believed when they said it wasn't my
duty. Boys at college would tell me I need to go. Sunday School and Relief
Society lessons were planned around the idea of going on a mission.
It wasn't until after conference that I could
say no confidently, without hesitation or guilt. At conference I felt the
approval of my Heavenly Father, and I finally felt at peace with deciding not
to go. My sister and a friend, both on their missions, also helped me
a lot through the process. My friend told me to study the story of the brother
of Jared, building the barges. This is what I wrote to my friend when I got my
answer:
"[In conference,] just wait for the Auzzie in the Sunday Afternoon session. Answer to my prayers. It was totally a little reminder from my Father in Heaven that He knows me personally and was trying to get my attention as I was listening so that He could comfort and guide me. That message was so personal. And to make it even better, it was given by an Australian, which is where my sister is right now. I've talked to her a little about my feelings toward a mission, and she's been so sweet about it. Just another little reminder that Heavenly Father cares and that He is there.
So my answer? :) Be patient. I honestly don't think I'm meant to go on a mission. Which stinks, because right now I really want to. But a thought came into my head, a phrase from one of your letters saying you love the struggle this decision is putting me through, because you can tell I'm growing closer to my Heavenly Father. I think that's why I'm having this ongoing struggle. I think that's why I literally just can never decide, even when I know He trusts me to choose and I really could go or stay home and everything will work out. But looking back, I've learned so much about myself and my relationship with God. And as important as actually deciding if I'm going or not, I think the struggle I've been going through was the most important part for me. I feel so much peace now, I don't feel anxious or like I have to decide. The pressure and question is still in the back of my mind, of course, but it's not tearing me up inside like it was. So now I'm going to go back and write down everything I've learned, and continue forward in patience!"
